The 7 Signs of a Good Pastor

In my (Tyler Nicodem) work as a therapist and spiritual director, I often meet people at crossroads. Some are emerging from painful church experiences, trying to find their way back to community. Others are exploring faith for the first time, unsure how to trust spiritual authority. And then there are those who’ve quietly wandered for years, longing to belong somewhere again—but wary of being hurt.

Whether you’re recovering from spiritual abuse or simply looking for a church home that fits, choosing a pastor you can trust is one of the most important decisions you’ll make. I don’t say that to elevate pastors to an untouchable pedestal. In fact, quite the opposite. A healthy pastor is deeply human—and they lead from that place.

There’s a quote by Henri Nouwen that has always stayed with me:

“The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there.”

We don’t need perfect pastors. We need pastors who display the signs of a good pastor—humility, empathy, and authenticity.

So before you join a church, here are seven signs of a good pastor—grounded in therapeutic insight, spiritual wisdom, and a deep belief in the healing potential of authentic, humble leadership.

Why the Pastor Matters: Understanding the Signs of a Good Pastor

I’ve visited plenty of churches that had impressive websites, sleek branding, and bustling community calendars. But once I stepped into the space, I sensed something else—something missing. Over time, I learned what I was feeling wasn’t just about culture. It was about leadership.

The signs of a good pastor aren’t just theological—they’re relational, emotional, and deeply spiritual. A good pastor shapes the church’s culture not only with their sermons, but with their presence.

Before you commit to a church, take time to notice who the pastor is. Not just what they say from the pulpit, but how they live in the world.

1. They Create Space, Not Pressure (A Core Sign of a Good Pastor)

One of the most telling signs of a good pastor is the absence of pressure.
Do you feel like you have space to breathe, ask questions, linger in ambiguity? Or is there a subtle urgency to conform, sign up, or “buy in”?

In both therapy and spiritual direction, we talk about the value of presence without agenda. Good pastors—those who show the signs of a good pastor— let people show up as they are and don’t rush to fix it.

This echoes Parker Palmer’s image of the “inner teacher.” One of the signs of a good pastor is the ability to invite people inward, rather than demand outward conformity.

2. They Demonstrate Emotional Intelligence (Another Key Sign of a Good Pastor)

Pay attention to how a pastor holds difficult conversations, especially when they’re challenged. Can they listen without needing to dominate?

One of the essential signs of a good pastor is emotional intelligence—the ability to regulate emotion, stay grounded in conflict, and respond with curiosity instead of control.

Irvin Yalom calls this existential honesty. A good pastor doesn’t pretend to be beyond struggle. Instead, their emotional maturity becomes one of the most trustworthy signs of a good pastor.

3. They Lead with Transparency, Not Secrecy (A Trustworthy Sign of a Good Pastor)

Transparency builds trust. That means being open about how decisions are made, how finances are managed, how pastoral authority is shared.

If you’re looking for the signs of a good pastor, ask yourself:

Are they honest about leadership structure?
Are they accountable to others?
Is disagreement welcomed or silenced?

Hidden leadership is often a red flag. Conversely, openness and transparency are clear signs of a good pastor.

4. They Show Up with Humility, Not Performance (One of the Most Powerful Signs of a Good Pastor)

Years ago, I sat in a church where the pastor gave a perfectly polished sermon—but vanished immediately after the service. No conversations, no presence—just performance.

A good pastor—one who reflects the signs of a good pastor— is present to the community, not performing for it. They’re not the center of attention. They’re part of the Body.

They admit when they’re wrong, and they resist the need to be impressive. This kind of humility is one of the most unmistakable signs of a good pastor.

5. They Prioritize People Over Programs (A Relational Sign of a Good Pastor)

Programs are tools, not the purpose. One of the most vital signs of a good pastor is the ability to care for people beyond the logistics of ministry.

Observe:

Do they learn names?
Do they slow down for real conversations?
Do they care about the inner life of congregants?

When people are treated as sacred, not strategic, you’re likely seeing the signs of a good pastor.

6. They Welcome Accountability (An Ethical Sign of a Good Pastor)

A pastor without accountability is vulnerable to ego-driven leadership. One of the non-negotiable signs of a good pastor is their willingness to be held accountable.

Good pastors invite feedback and surround themselves with wise counsel. They don’t resist input—they value it.

From a therapeutic lens, this reveals spiritual and emotional maturity. Accountability, far from being a limitation, is one of the clearest signs of a good pastor.

7. They Empower Others, Not Just Themselves (A Missional Sign of a Good Pastor)

Healthy pastors raise others up. They share leadership, empower congregants, and invite new voices.

One of the often-overlooked signs of a good pastor is the ability to give ministry away. They’re not threatened by giftedness in others—they celebrate it.

This kind of leadership is liberating. It reflects Christ’s model of service, not self-promotion. Empowering others is one of the most inspiring signs of a good pastor.

Bonus Sign: They Know Their Limits

Here’s one more subtle but important insight: One of the hidden signs of a good pastor is their ability to say “I can’t do it all.” They refer people to therapists, spiritual directors, and mentors when needed.

They don’t try to be everything to everyone—and in doing so, they make space for the Spirit to work in community. Boundaries, self-awareness, and humility are deeply underrated signs of a good pastor.

Personal Reflection: A Time I Almost Missed the Signs of a Good Pastor

Years ago, I visited a church that had all the bells and whistles—great music, warm greeters, vibrant community. But the pastor spoke with a kind of rigid certainty that left no room for questions.

At the time, I didn’t have language for it. But now, I’d name it: he lacked the signs of a good pastor.

Eventually, I found a church where the pastor regularly said, “Let’s hold that question together.” That one sentence told me everything. It was a sign of a good pastor—an invitation, not a conclusion.

You’re Allowed to Take Your Time: Keep Looking for the Signs of a Good Pastor

If you’re discerning where to land spiritually, remember: you deserve to experience the signs of a good pastor in real life—not just in mission statements.

Look for a leader who:

Creates space
Listens well
Leads with humility
Shares authority
Empowers others

These are the living, breathing signs of a good pastor.

And if you don’t see them? Keep looking. Keep listening to that still, small voice inside you.

You are worthy of leadership that heals, not harms. Don’t settle for less than the signs of a good pastor.

If you’re navigating this journey and need support, I’d be honored to walk with you. Together, we can listen for the Spirit’s leading—and the voice of your own soul. Reach out to Worthy Counseling Center today for support while you discern God’s voice in your own life.

Worthy Counseling Center