The church is often described as a family, a body, or even a home—a place where we are meant to experience the grace of Christ through community. But as anyone who has spent years in church life knows, families can be messy. The very people who are meant to lift us up can sometimes tear us down. As a former pastor and someone who has been deeply involved in church life for more than 20 years, I’ve seen the beauty of accountability in action and the devastation that divisive church members can bring.

One of the biggest challenges many churches face today is distinguishing between healthy accountability and divisive behavior. These two often look similar on the surface but have drastically different roots and outcomes. Let’s explore how to tell the difference and navigate these situations with wisdom and grace.

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What Healthy Accountability Looks Like

Accountability Rooted in Love

Accountability, at its core, is a gift. When done well, it’s an act of love that helps individuals grow closer to God and one another. In Galatians 6:1, Paul reminds us, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” Notice the language here: restore gently. Healthy accountability seeks restoration, not condemnation. It’s about helping someone become the person God created them to be, not tearing them down for their mistakes.

Healthy accountability involves a posture of humility. It means listening more than speaking, being curious rather than accusatory, and offering support instead of shame. It’s saying, “How can I walk alongside you?” rather than, “Here’s everything you’ve done wrong.”

The Key Characteristics of Healthy Accountability

1. Mutual Respect: True accountability respects the dignity and worth of the person being addressed. It’s not about asserting authority or proving a point.
2. Focus on Restoration: The goal is healing and growth, not punishment or exclusion.
3. Done in Relationship: Accountability thrives in the context of trust. Without relationship, even the best intentions can come across as judgmental.
4. Guided by Scripture: Healthy accountability aligns with biblical principles and reflects Christ’s love.

What Divisiveness Looks Like

The Subtle Tactics of Divisive Members

Divisive church members often masquerade as accountability figures. It may come wrapped in the language of concern or righteousness, but its underlying goal is control, not restoration. Divisive church members may gossip under the guise of “prayer requests,” weaponize scripture to shame others, or undermine leadership to advance their personal agendas.

One telltale sign of divisiveness is the lack of humility. While healthy accountability approaches a situation with a spirit of love and gentleness, divisive behavior is often marked by arrogance, judgment, and a desire to stir conflict.

The Emotional Impact of Divisiveness

Divisiveness doesn’t just harm individuals; it tears at the fabric of a church community. It creates factions, fosters distrust, and leaves people feeling alienated and disillusioned. As someone who has walked alongside people dealing with church hurt, I’ve seen the emotional toll this can take. It’s no wonder that many people walk away from church altogether after experiencing wounds caused by divisive church members.

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Misusing Matthew 18: A Recipe for Harm

Understanding Matthew 18 in Context

Matthew 18:15-17 is one of the most frequently cited passages when discussing accountability: “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church…”

This passage is often misapplied in ways that cause harm. It has been used to justify public shaming or to silence those who have been hurt by leaders or other members. But Matthew 18 isn’t a weapon to wield against people we disagree with. It’s a guide for addressing serious sin—situations where someone is actively harming themselves or others.

Matthew 18 is not a passage to “purify” your neighbor or set them on the path you think God has for them — it isn’t a call to “set them straight.” Rather, Matthew 18 is a call to tell your neighbor that you are concerned, that you care, and that you’d like to support your neighbor however you can to help them not hurt themselves or others.

It’s also important to note that Matthew 18, along with the rest of the Bible, does not speak to every particular issue or context. Sometimes, going to the person who has harmed you or others is not appropriate. Examples of this include physical, sexual, spiritual, or emotional abuse. If you have been abused or traumatized by a divisive church member, it is in your best interest to not follow the formula of Matthew 18.

Matthew 18 is used for issues such as seeking reconciliation after an argument, being direct/assertive about communicating one’s feelings and needs, and bringing to attention unhealthy (though not dangerous) patterns of behavior or communication. If abuse, trauma, or complex trauma has taken place, seek a 3rd party you can trust — whether that be a therapist, compassionate pastor (not all are), or a friend/family member. Worthy Counseling Center provides therapy services to those who have suffered abuse or trauma from divisive church members. If you need a 3rd party to trust, call us today for a free consultation.

The Heart of Matthew 18: Love and Reconciliation

The goal of Matthew 18 is reconciliation, not retribution. When used properly, this process should reflect Christ’s love. It begins with a private conversation, not a public confrontation. It involves listening as much as speaking, seeking to understand the other person’s perspective, and prioritizing their well-being over your own pride or agenda.

When approached this way, accountability becomes an opportunity for healing and growth rather than a source of division caused by divisive church members.

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A Personal Lesson in Accountability

I’ll never forget a moment early in my ministry when I had to confront a fellow leader about a pattern of gossip. I was nervous, unsure how to approach the conversation without causing harm. I prayed for wisdom and met with them privately, following the guidance of Matthew 18.

Instead of accusing them, I asked questions: “I’ve noticed this happening, and I’m concerned. Can you help me understand?” To my surprise, they opened up about their own struggles with feeling unseen in the church. What I initially saw as divisiveness was actually a cry for connection. That conversation didn’t just resolve the issue; it deepened our relationship and strengthened the community.

This experience taught me the power of approaching accountability with curiosity and compassion. It’s not about calling people out; it’s about calling them in—into deeper relationship with God and others. When we fail to distinguish this, we risk enabling divisive church members instead of fostering genuine accountability.

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How to Discern the Difference Between Accountability and Divisiveness

Questions to Ask Yourself

When faced with a potentially divisive church members, ask these questions:

What’s the outcome you hope for? Do you feel like you know what is best for your fellow neighbor? Do you have certainty about what they need to do or not do with their life? If they rejected your advice, would that make you angry, frustrated, or irritable? Or would you have peace with that? Having certainty about what your fellow neighbor should do or how they should go about the issue could be a telltale sign that you are not the best person to bring the issue to them. You don’t want to be a divisive church member yourself.

What’s the motivation? Is this behavior rooted in love and a desire to help, or in control and judgment? Asking this can help distinguish divisive church members vs. healthy accountability.

Have you examined yourself? Are you aware of your own triggers? Do you have skills to ground yourself when you encounter a trigger? What are the narratives in your own life that have been painful? How will you specifically go about not projecting those hurts onto your fellow neighbor?

How is the concern being addressed? Is it done privately or publicly? Are you a safe person, or is that person you’re going to safe for you? Have you taken stock of your own feelings towards the issue or person at hand? Do you feel aggression or peace towards this person? Take an honest look at yourself.

Practical Steps for Discernment

• Seek Wise Counsel: Talk to a trusted mentor or therapist who can provide an objective perspective. Worthy Counseling Center specializes in offering counseling services for those navigating difficulties within the church.
• Observe the Fruit: As Jesus said in Matthew 7:16, “By their fruit you will recognize them.” Does this behavior produce love, joy, and peace, or does it sow discord and strife caused by divisive church members?
• Pray for Guidance: Ask God for wisdom and clarity as you navigate these situations.

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How to Protect Yourself from Divisive Behavior

Set Boundaries

If someone’s behavior is harming you or others, it’s important to set boundaries. This might mean limiting interactions with them, stepping away from certain conversations, or seeking support from church leadership. Divisive church members often push boundaries, so clarity is essential.

Speak Up with Love

If you feel safe, address the behavior directly. Approach the conversation with humility and a desire for restoration, as outlined in Matthew 18.

Prioritize Your Well-Being

Dealing with divisive behavior can be emotionally draining. Make sure to take care of yourself through prayer, reflection, and seeking support from trusted friends or a therapist who understands the challenges posed by divisive church members.

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Building a Culture of Healthy Accountability in Churches

Promote Transparency

Churches thrive when there is open communication and clear processes for addressing conflict. Leaders should model transparency and encourage it within the congregation to prevent issues caused by divisive church members.

Foster Unity

Unity doesn’t mean uniformity. Embrace diversity while prioritizing the mission of the church. Create spaces where people feel seen, heard, and valued. This helps counteract the damage caused by divisive church members.

Equip Leaders

Provide training for pastors and small group leaders on how to navigate conflict and foster accountability in a healthy, biblical way. This training should also include recognizing and addressing the behaviors of divisive church members.

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Conclusion

Divisive church members behavior and healthy accountability may look similar on the surface, but their outcomes couldn’t be more different. As followers of Christ, we are called to embody God’s love in all our interactions, seeking restoration and unity above all else. Acting in love requires us to take an honest look at ourselves, to know what makes us “tick,” and to know our own narratives so we don’t project our pain onto the person in front of us.

A good rule of them I recently heard in a sermon is “If you feel hostile, it’s probably historical.” Meaning, if you start to notice feelings of aggression (anger, frustration, irritation, etc) it probably is playing on something from your past rather than the here and now. Although, it’s also worth noting that checking in with your body is important to if you notice yourself being hostile — are you thirsty? Hungry? Need to go to the bathroom? Unmet physical needs can often make us feel irritable.

If you’ve experienced the pain of a divisive church member or are struggling to discern how to approach accountability in your church, know that you’re not alone. With wisdom, humility, and grace, it is possible to navigate these challenges and foster a community that reflects the heart of Christ, and for you to not become a divisive church member yourself.

If you’ve experienced the pain of divisive behavior or are struggling to discern how to approach accountability in your church, know that you’re not alone. With wisdom, humility, and grace, it is possible to navigate these challenges and foster a community that reflects the heart of Christ while addressing the harm caused by divisive church members.