Worthy Counseling Center

Introduction

If you are a millennial and identified as an Evangelical Christian during the 90’s through the mid 2010’s, you likely were exposed to purity culture. You may remember purity rings, purity balls, purity pledges, and maybe even read some books about purity ideas like I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Joshua Harris, the author, no longer supports the ideas in this book. You can check out his statement here).

What was this purity thing many of us millennials were a part of? Let’s unpack that in this blog post.

The Teachings of Purity Culture

Purity culture, with its roots in religious doctrines and societal norms, often espouses a set of rigid beliefs. The main teachings of purity culture were 3-fold:

Sexual Abstinence as Virtue

Purity culture says waiting for sex until marriage is the highest moral standard. This often leads to a clear separation between those who follow this idea and those who don’t. People who stick to these beliefs might see themselves as morally better and tend to judge those who don’t agree. This not only sets strict expectations but also results in labeling and looking down on those who choose a different approach to relationships.

Gender Roles and Expectations

Embedded within purity culture are traditional gender roles, often placing unequal burdens on individuals based on their gender. Purity culture favors males as the “spiritual heads” of families, thus patriarchy is usually found within purity culture. Males are taught they must control their natural sexual desires. As a boy, you can’t look at, or even think about a girl sexually. To do so is to commit adultery.

Females are typically seen as the gatekeepers of purity. Girls are to be uninterested in sex until marriage. Girls are told they must guard their purity by dressing conservatively — shorts must be just above the knees, neck lines must not be too low, even shoulder straps are not allowed to be worn in fear that they may cause sexual attraction. The burden of keeping the purity is largely placed on the female.

Should two people succeed in keeping their virginity until their wedding night, most spiritual leaders teach benefits will be reaped in an active and pleasurable sex life. During adolescence youth are taught to never even think sexually, but in marriage they should be firing on all cylinders. Unrealistic expectations arise both in individuals and the culture at large that the sex will be instantly great. Unfortunately, many young people find out the hard way that this is untrue. Vaginismus, sex aversion, and body shame typically develop and persist into marriage.

Gender roles and expectations in purity culture expand well beyond this brief overview here. Some additional resources about the subject can be found below:

• She Deserves Better — Sheila Wray Gregoire
• The Great Sex Rescue — Sheila Wray Gregoire
• Sex, God, and the Conservative Church — Tina Schermer Sellers

Shame and Guilt for Natural Desires

The culture instills a sense of shame and guilt surrounding natural human desires, fostering an environment where victims hide aspects of their identity to conform to unrealistic standards. Sexual sin is treated much differently than other sin in purity culture. Sexual sin is seen as having lasting consequential effects; you may have heard it “stains” you, or it is “carried” with you throughout other relationships. Common practices among youth group leaders were:

• Tearing a paper heart — a youth leader would create a paper heart, pass it around the room, and instruct each young person to tear off a piece of the heart. The sentiment was when you give yourself to too many people, your heart can never be truly repaired. Leaders would often teach that sexual sin earlier in life would cause issues in later marriage.
• Chewing gum — similar to the tearing of the paper heart, a leader would offer a stick of gum to a young person. After chewing for a few minutes, the leader would instruct the young person to take out the gum and offer it to someone else. The leader would then compare the chewing of the gum to having sexual partners before marriage. This developed a sense of shame and grossness to sexual sin.
• The Petal-less Rose — a similar teaching to those mentioned above, except a rose is passed around the room and petals are plucked from each youth group member. At the end, the rose is petal-less, symbolizing that having multiple sexual partners empties oneself and makes you less beautiful. You have nothing to give to your future spouse than a stem filled with thorns.

Mental Health Repercussions

Suppression of Authenticity

Individuals may find themselves suppressing authentic emotions and desires, hindering personal growth and genuine connections. The fear of judgment can lead to isolation and a sense of loneliness.

Internal Conflicts

The pressure to adhere to purity standards can lead to internal conflicts, questioning one’s worthiness based on unrealistic expectations. This internal struggle can contribute to anxiety, depression, and a distorted self-image.

Distorted Views of Intimacy

Purity culture’s narrow view of intimacy may obstruct a healthy understanding of emotional, spiritual, and physical connections within relationships, impacting the overall well-being of individuals. You may feel shame over getting “turned on” by a partner, even if you are married. Years of practice in shutting down your bodies natural processes will automatically produce shame, even within marriage.

Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction manifests uniquely for each individual. Those immersed in purity culture often lack awareness of what constitutes a “normal” sexual experience. Consequently, they may struggle to identify issues or feel uncertain about addressing them. This lack of understanding can lead to the development of sexual disorders, performance anxiety, or even genophobia (fear of sex).

Sexual Orientation Shame

Simply put, in purity culture there is no room for sexual orientation outside of heterosexuality. Additionally, there are no other gender identifications than men and women. It is common practice for spiritual leaders and family to reject any other views harshly. Not only does this bring about sexual shame, but shame for the LGBTQ person in just existing. This can cause extremely harmful mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts.

Disconnection From Your Body

Purity culture encourages becoming disconnected from your body. By it’s very nature, purity culture rejects the bodies natural processes and tells youth that any sexual desire is sinful.

Your thoughts can be deemed as sinful just as much as your actions. In a culture where discussing questions about sexuality or one’s body image is met with shame, individuals may be discouraged from ever addressing these concerns openly.

During the tumultuous period of adolescence, marked by a body undergoing constant changes and hormonal fluctuations, anything of a sexual nature is often viewed negatively. Natural sexual desires, thoughts, or dreams are labeled as distasteful and sinful. This environment of condemnation fosters feelings of confusion, shame, and a sense of moral failure, exacerbating the disconnection individuals may feel with their own bodies.

3 Avenues Towards Purity Culture Recovery:

Self-Reflection, Acceptance, and Exploration

Begin by reflecting on your own experiences and understanding that your worth is not determined by adherence to external standards. Embrace self-acceptance and acknowledge that human experiences are diverse and unique.

It can be difficult to go against the teachings of leaders you respected, or may still respect. You may have convictions that these teachings are The Truth. The reality is there are multiple views about approaching the Christian Faith and sexuality. No one particular way is correct, and it is our opinion that any minister that discourages you from exploration is more interested in converting you or keeping you in the fold than they are about caring for you as a human being.

Community and Connection

Seek supportive communities where open dialogue is encouraged. Connecting with others who have experienced similar struggles can provide validation and a sense of belonging and break the isolation often perpetuated by purity culture.

Purity culture has been proven to not be an effective method; in a mass study of people exposed to purity culture, 88% of those who followed the teachings ended up having sex prior to marriage. What was also clear from the study was that toxic shame and guilt were rampant among adults who followed purity culture as adolescents.

You are not alone. Seek support through a purity culture recovery group, a forum, or counseling. Worthy Counseling offers purity culture recovery services for those in Nashville, TN. Contact Us today to start your journey towards overcoming the scars of purity culture.

Counseling as a Transformative Resource

Professional counseling offers a safe space to explore and process the impact of purity culture on your mental and spiritual health. A trained therapist can guide you through the journey of healing, providing tools to navigate internal conflicts and fostering self-discovery.

When navigating the effects of purity culture, it’s important to have a counselor who intimately knows the issues surrounding purity culture. At Worthy Counseling Center, we specialize in helping individuals navigate their spiritual lives, religious trauma, and church hurt. Tyler Nicodem is a trained and experienced pastoral counselor who helps you find hope and healing from the traumatic effects of purity culture. If you are struggling with facets of your sexuality and were involved in a purity culture environment, contact us today for your FREE 10 minute consultation.

Conclusion

As you navigate the shadows of purity culture, remember that healing is a personal journey. By acknowledging the truths, understanding the mental health repercussions, and embracing pathways to healing, you can reclaim agency over your narrative and foster a more compassionate relationship with yourself and others. In the pursuit of healing, counseling stands as a beacon of support, offering guidance and empowerment on your journey toward authenticity and self-discovery.

Additional Resources For Purity Culture Recovery

All the following churches support purity culture recovery, faith deconstruction theology, and are LGBTQIA+ affirming (unless indicated otherwise).

• Spero Dei Church: Modern Service. Located in Nashville, TN.
• GracePointe Church: Modern Service. Located in Nashville, TN.
• Nashville Friends Meeting (Quaker): Contemplative Service. Be sure to check out the “What to Expect” video about their services.
• United Methodist Church: Traditional Service. Is not deconstruction oriented. Great sexual ethics, but usually not well educated on issues of purity culture.
• Presbyterian Church of the United States of America (PCUSA): Traditional Service. Not to be confused with the Evangelical denomination Presbyterian Church of America (PCA). Likely not well educated on purity culture or deconstruction theology, but LGBTQIA+ affirming.
• First Unitarian Universalist of Nashville: Traditional Service.
• Unitarian Universalist Church: Traditional Service.