There are few things more disorienting than being hurt in a place you once called holy. The sanctuary that once felt like home can become a source of pain, confusion, and spiritual trauma. When we talk about “church hurt,” we’re not just talking about a disagreement or an uncomfortable Sunday—we’re talking about wounds that affect the soul. If you’ve ever asked, “What is church hurt?”—you’re not alone.

As a pastoral therapist and spiritual director, I’ve seen how deeply this pain can go. But more importantly, I’ve seen how healing is possible. When we allow ourselves to explore that pain through both psychological understanding and spiritual practices, we open a path not just toward recovery, but toward a deeper, freer faith.

What Is Church Hurt?

So, what is church hurt? Church hurt is the emotional, psychological, and spiritual pain that comes from being wounded by people or systems within a religious community. It might be caused by a pastor’s betrayal, exclusion from leadership, shame-based teaching, or even subtle forms of spiritual manipulation. Sometimes it’s overt and public. Sometimes it’s quiet and cumulative.

The Wound Is Sacred

One of the reasons church hurt cuts so deep is that it affects not just our minds but our sense of the sacred. For many of us, the church has been a place of belonging, meaning, and identity. When harm happens there, it can feel like a betrayal by God—or at least by those who speak in God’s name.

In Ignatian spirituality, we talk about consolation and desolation. Church hurt often brings spiritual desolation: a sense of distance from God, an erosion of joy, a confusion of identity. But that desolation can also become the very place where God meets us in truth. If you’re wondering what is church hurt doing to your soul, it may be pointing you toward deeper spiritual insight.

Why Church Hurt Feels So Personal: A Psychological Perspective

Psychologically, church hurt often mirrors what trauma experts would call relational trauma or betrayal trauma. It’s when someone you trust—someone you look to for care and safety—becomes a source of harm instead. This is especially disorienting when that harm is wrapped in religious language or presented as God’s will.

Shame, Confusion, and Fear

When we’re hurt in spiritual spaces, we often internalize the message that it’s our fault: If I were more submissive, more obedient, more faithful, this wouldn’t have happened. This creates toxic shame—a deep, inner sense that I am bad, not just that something bad happened. That’s the hidden damage of what is church hurt.

This is where contemplative traditions can help. In the Enneagram, we learn how core fears and false selves develop as protective patterns. When someone with a Type 2 personality (the Helper) gets hurt in church, for example, they might believe their value comes only from serving others. If they’re rejected or used, it doesn’t just hurt—it confirms a deeper lie about their worth.

The healing work involves noticing these patterns, honoring the hurt, and gently dismantling the stories that no longer serve our soul. This is how we begin to answer the question: what is church hurt trying to teach us?

My Own Experience with Church Hurt

I remember one Sunday years ago, standing on stage during worship—my guitar in hand, my heart hollow. I had been part of the leadership at an evangelical church for years. But over time, the spiritual atmosphere shifted. Vulnerability was replaced with performance. Questions were quietly punished. Eventually, I found myself subtly pushed aside for being “too contemplative,” “too theological,” or simply “not on board.”

At first, I questioned myself. Was I being prideful? Unsubmissive? But as I spent time in silence and solitude I began to hear a different voice: one that called me beloved, one that wasn’t trying to control or conform me.

That season didn’t destroy my faith. It redefined it. I realized the Spirit had always been present, even in the rupture. That insight didn’t come from doctrine alone—it came from inner stillness, therapy, and conversations with spiritual companions across traditions. That is one of the unexpected gifts of church hurt.

The Role of the Soul in Healing

In contemplative Christianity, the soul is not something to be saved from the world, but the deepest part of who we are—the image of God within. When our soul is wounded by church hurt, it doesn’t mean we’ve lost God. It often means we’re being invited to rediscover God in a truer, more grounded way.

Silence, Solitude, and Listening

The Quaker practice of expectant silence teaches us that God is already present—we just need to be still enough to notice. In the aftermath of church hurt, that kind of silence can be terrifying at first. But over time, it becomes a healing space where we begin to tell the truth about our pain and remember who we are. This is a spiritual antidote to the deep confusion of what is church hurt.

Other traditions echo this. In Buddhism, mindfulness teaches us to observe without judgment. In Judaism, lament is not avoided but embraced. In many Native American traditions, healing happens communally but begins in the heart of each individual. And in Islam, the practice of dhikr—remembrance—reconnects the soul with divine mercy.

Signs You May Be Carrying Church Hurt

Church hurt doesn’t always show up as rage or dramatic exits. It can look like quiet withdrawal, spiritual numbness, or even hyper-involvement as a way of trying to earn acceptance again. Here are a few common signs that may help you recognize what is church hurt in your own life:

• You feel anxious or avoidant about attending church
• You question your worth or spiritual identity
• You struggle to trust spiritual authority figures
• You experience shame when trying to pray or worship
• You’ve lost a sense of connection to God but can’t explain why

If any of these feel familiar, know that they’re not signs of weakness—they’re signs that your soul has been impacted by something real. This is how what is church hurt manifests in our daily lives.

Healing from Church Hurt: A Nonlinear Journey

There’s no one-size-fits-all recovery path. Healing looks different depending on your story, personality, and spiritual orientation. But here are some practices I’ve found helpful personally and in my work with others. These are helpful no matter how you define what is church hurt for yourself:

1. Name the Hurt

There’s power in telling the truth. Naming what happened doesn’t make you bitter—it makes you honest. Like the Psalms of lament, it’s okay to cry out and say, “This isn’t how it was supposed to be.” Naming what is church hurt is the beginning of healing.

2. Seek Safe Companionship

You don’t have to do this alone. Therapists, spiritual directors, and wise mentors can walk with you without judgment. Look for people who can hold both your pain and your faith without trying to fix you. If you’re in Nashville, TN. and are seeking a therapist or spiritual director, reach out to Worthy Counseling Center. I (Tyler Nicodem) am a Pastoral Therapist in the state of Tennessee. If your finding your faith just doesn’t work for you anymore, and you don’t know how to move forward, I would love to walk alongside

3. Reclaim the Practices That Nourish You

Maybe you need to step away from church for a while—but that doesn’t mean you’ve stepped away from God. Light a candle. Walk in the woods. Meditate. Journal. Sing. Practice Shabbat. Explore your faith in a way that honors your soul. This is a gentle rebellion against what is church hurt when it tells you you’re unworthy.

4. Let Yourself Question and Rebuild

Faith isn’t static. Even the saints and prophets wrestled with God. Let your questions be sacred. Let your doubts lead you deeper. You may find a version of faith that is quieter, truer, and more rooted in love.

5. Honor Your Anger—Then Let It Guide You Toward Justice

Anger is not the opposite of love—it’s the voice that says, “This matters.” When held with care, anger can lead us to advocate for safer, more compassionate communities. The desire to heal from what is church hurt can lead us to create something new.

There Is More Than One Way to Practice Faith

If you’ve been told there’s only one right way to be a Christian—or one way to worship, to believe, to belong—consider this your permission slip to explore. The Spirit of God is not confined to buildings or personalities. She moves where she wills.

You are allowed to be mystical, poetic, skeptical, embodied, theologically curious, culturally hybrid, or still figuring it out. You are allowed to be a soul in process. Asking what is church hurt can actually be an invitation into something more expansive.

Final Thoughts: A Faith That Heals, Not Hurts

Church hurt is real. But it’s not the end of your story. Asking what is church hurt is the beginning of healing.

You may need time. You may need distance. You may need a new vocabulary for faith. That’s okay. God is not in a hurry.

I believe, as Thomas Merton once wrote, that we already have everything we need to live fully in God’s presence—we just need to wake up to it. The work of healing from church hurt is not about returning to what was. It’s about moving forward into what could be—a deeper, freer, more compassionate spiritual life.

If you’re in that in-between space right now, know this: you are not alone. And there is a way through what is church hurt toward what is healing.