In life we will experience many losses. One loss that is truly life shattering is the loss that is experienced because of divorce. There are several reasons that one may choose to divorce but no matter the reason it is loss and with loss we have a normal, natural response that is grief. Grief has mostly been attached to sadness and sorrow caused by death but it’s the normal response to any loss.

What Is Grief?

According to Wikipedia and the Grief Recovery Handbook, grief is deep sorrow, trouble, or annoyance. It’s the response to losing someone or something to which a bond or affection was formed. Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. 

When we go through a divorce it is a major loss of several things. We lose a companion, partner, family, and if minor children are involved time with them may be lost as well. There may be loss of friends, other relationships, and loss of intangible things like hopes, dreams, expectations, safety, security, and the possibility ofs. The loss experienced because of divorce impacts every area of our life and the grief that accompanies it is profound and complex. 

Even though the original framework was death related, these five stages can provide a helpful guide for understanding the emotional reactions and stages associated with any major loss, such as the loss of a relationship through divorce. Recognizing these stages of grief divorce and having an awareness of this grief model can help normalize some of what a person experiencing divorce may be feeling. It provides a roadmap for navigating the intense emotions and gradual journey toward healing and acceptance after a divorce. I will briefly discuss each of these stages of grief after divorce and some others that may be experienced due to divorce.

Stages of Grief Divorce

Shock (Stage 0)

With any form of trauma an initial response could be shock. Shock happens when you are faced with intense information, stressors, and emotions that you are not ready or prepared to deal with. Physical responses may surface with the shock. There may be numbness, dizziness, nausea, muscle tension, crying, increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, difficulty thinking and rationalizing, panic, disassociating and the inability to speak. These may be some of the physical experiences you have when the issues for divorce are presented, when divorce is decided on or initiated. 

Denial

After shock or at some point during the process there may be denial. Denial comes into play when we need time to deal with information or behaviors that we’ve been exposed to that overwhelms our mind’s ability to understand or process. To deny is to not accept, address or deal with a reality or a consequence of a reality.

Denial is a defense mechanism that protects from anxiety, overwhelming emotions, and truths that are too painful to face in the moment. When we are confused about what is, denial is a form of coping that helps us to manage. Denial looks like refusing to think or talk about it.

A person in denial may come across as uncaring or unbothered. They deny there is anything wrong or that there is a changed mood or emotion. The denial stage of grief after divorce is usually short-lived and acts as a buffer to help with slowly absorbing the reality of the divorce over time. Most times we are unaware of when denial lifts, we just step into a moment of clarity and understanding. When we get to this place of clarity we then have the ability to face the challenges that come with divorce.

Anger

Anger is a very common emotion people experience during and after a divorce. The end of a marriage can cause someone to feel a deep sense of loss and betrayal. It’s natural to feel resentment and outrage at times. You may find yourself questioning “why did this happen to me?” and experiencing an increased irritability.

Even if the divorce was mutual, there are likely still feelings of anger over the relationship ending. Anger can also arise from feelings of jealousy. Seeing your ex-spouse move on with their life while you’re still grieving the marriage can ignite envy which can lead to anger. At times anger and frustration toward self may surface as well. 

While anger is a normal part of grief, it’s important not to let it consume you. Anger can prevent you from moving forward in a healthy way. It’s alright to feel angry, but try to find healthy outlets and ways to manage it that won’t eventually lead to guilt and regret. Talk to a counselor or friend, exercise, write in a journal, etc. Focus on processing the anger rather than acting on it. With time and reflection, the intense anger will dissipate.

Bargaining

Bargaining can take on many different shapes when it comes to divorce. It is the stage or process one goes through in attempts to save the marriage whether it be in thought only or actions taken. Bargaining is the what if and if only questions and statements. It’s the examining of the past and creating different scenarios that would have prevented the divorce.

Bargaining happens as an attempt to make it right and to get you out of the pain of what’s happening. Like denial, bargaining is a defense mechanism. At some point the reality of what is will set in and you will begin to acknowledge it. It is in this space that you can begin to practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is being able to accept what is and is not in your control or ability to change. When you are in this place you are better equipped to make decisions about your next steps. 

Depression

The depression stage often brings overwhelming sadness and despair. The intense emotions can make it difficult to get through each day. Common symptoms of depression include:

• Crying spells or bursts of tears for no clear reason

• Lack of energy and trouble functioning normally

• Loss of enjoyment and interest in normal activities

• Sleep disturbances like insomnia or sleeping too much

• Significant unintentional weight loss or gain

• Feelings of worthlessness, regret, and despair

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

Depression can feel endless, like it will never lift but it’s important to remember this stage does eventually pass for most people. Clinical depression requiring medication or therapy may occur, especially for those already prone to depressive disorders. Getting professional help can aid the healing process.

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Ready To Heal After Divorce?

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Acceptance

The final stage is acceptance. This is when a person starts to come to terms with the reality of the divorce and adjust to their new life circumstances. Though the pain of divorce may never fully go away, someone in the acceptance stage has made peace with the situation and is ready to move forward.

With acceptance comes adjustment. It’s a major life transition that requires adapting to new routines and responsibilities. While these changes can feel overwhelming, acceptance provides the mindset to tackle them one step at a time.

The acceptance stage is also about looking ahead to a new future. Though divorce leads to loss, it also opens up possibilities for personal growth. By coming to terms with the present, one can start dreaming about life after divorce. This might include pursuing new interests, traveling, focusing on work or hobbies, or even dating again when the time is right. In essence, acceptance allows forward momentum rather than remaining stuck in the past. It brings hope that there are brighter days ahead, though the path there may be challenging. With acceptance comes the strength to let go and create a fulfilling new life.

Spirituality and Stages of Grief Divorce

Two areas that may also come into play during a divorce is the cultural and spiritual impact and losses. The cultural impact or loss is determined by the rituals, beliefs, standards and social norms of the community you are a part of and the spiritual impact or loss depends on your faith and spiritual beliefs and practices. Divorce is a loss that is all encompassing. It will touch every part of who you are. If you participate in community and you are spiritually connected a divorce can impact how you show up in these spaces of your life.  

Conclusion For Stages of Grief Divorce

Grief is not a linear process, and it’s completely normal to experience ups and downs when recovering from a major loss like divorce. You may find yourself moving forward and feeling stronger, only to be hit with a wave of grief that knocks you backwards.

It’s easy to get discouraged when this happens and feel like you’ve lost all the progress and healing that has taken place. This is not true. Setbacks do not mean failure. They are a natural part of the healing process. Some days will be better than others. You’ll likely find you make progress, then something triggers your grief again, whether it’s a song, visiting a meaningful place, or just waking up sad one morning.

When this happens, don’t despair. Tell yourself this is temporary and that you have the strength to get through it.  Be compassionate, gentle, and patient with yourself. Lean into the safe support that you do have. With courage, wisdom, time, and intentionality you will heal and recover. 

Journaling Prompts For Stages of Grief Divorce

1. Am I currently experiencing any of these stages, and if so which one

2. What other emotions or thoughts have I experienced since the divorce

3. What do I need to grieve what once was 

4. What do I need to give myself and to release in order to live forward