7 Devastating Signs You’ve Experienced Spiritual Abuse at Church (And What to Do Next)
By Tyler Nicodem
Therapist, spiritual director, and former worship pastor
The Wound We Struggle to Name
There’s a unique kind of heartbreak that comes when your church—your spiritual home—becomes a source of pain. It’s not like a breakup. It’s not just a bad leadership decision or a disagreement over theology. Spiritual abuse in the church leaves a deep wound that touches not only your thoughts and emotions but also your sense of identity, community, and even your connection to God.
As a therapist who walks with people recovering from spiritual abuse in the church, religious harm, and church hurt, I’ve come to believe this: the pain is real, the symptoms are often hidden, and the journey toward healing is sacred. Too often, people internalize their abuse, believing that they were the problem—or worse, that God was the one who hurt them.
If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Was that really abuse?” or “Am I just being too sensitive?”—this article is for you.
Let’s name what happened. And then let’s talk about how to move toward healing from spiritual abuse in the church.
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse in the church is the misuse of religious power, authority, or doctrine to control, manipulate, or harm others. It can happen in any religious tradition, but in Christianity, it often masquerades as “accountability,” “correction,” or “submission.”
It’s when a pastor uses their position to silence questions.
It’s when you’re told obedience matters more than your conscience.
It’s when leaving a church is framed as leaving God.
And it’s devastating—not just because it hurts, but because it violates what was supposed to be sacred.
The effects of spiritual abuse in the church can reach far beyond the pew. It can dismantle trust, sever your spiritual identity, and leave you wondering if faith is even safe anymore.
7 Devastating Signs You’ve Experienced Spiritual Abuse
1. You Were Shamed Instead of Shepherded
One of the clearest signs of spiritual abuse in the church is when vulnerability is met with shame instead of care. Confessing a struggle becomes a setup for punishment. Expressing doubt leads to accusations of rebellion. Instead of being seen as a soul on a journey, you’re labeled as spiritually weak or dangerous.
Healthy spiritual leadership creates space for questions, failure, and growth. Henri Nouwen often reminded us that the spiritual life isn’t about perfection but about becoming fully human—wounded, wondering, and beloved.
Shame is never a tool of God. Love is.
2. Questions Were Treated Like Rebellion
In spiritually abusive church cultures, curiosity is dangerous. Leaders are often threatened by those who ask why. They equate unity with silence, and they see sincere theological exploration as divisive.
But in the Jewish tradition, wrestling with God is considered a sacred act. The name “Israel” itself means “one who wrestles with God.” Asking hard questions doesn’t separate us from faith—it deepens it.
If your church responded to your questions with fear or condemnation, it may be a sign of spiritual abuse in the church.
3. Scripture Was Used as a Weapon, Not a Guide
I once sat in a staff meeting where a fellow pastor quoted “Touch not the Lord’s anointed” to shut down a simple question about finances. I felt a tightening in my chest, a familiar discomfort. That verse had been used before—to silence criticism, to avoid accountability.
Scripture, when used manipulatively, can become a weapon. But that’s not what it’s for. The Qur’an speaks of God’s guidance as “a light and healing for the hearts.” The Bible, too, calls the Word a lamp for our feet—not a club to keep us in line.
Weaponizing scripture is a common tactic in spiritual abuse in the church. If verses were used to scare you, silence you, or control you—what you experienced wasn’t God’s voice. It was a misuse of God’s Word.
4. Leadership Was Unquestionable
In many spiritually abusive churches, pastors are placed on pedestals. They’re seen as divinely appointed and above critique. Accountability becomes impossible, and loyalty is equated with spiritual maturity.
But even Jesus, who had every right to demand allegiance, welcomed questions. He washed feet. He wept with the grieving. He walked away from those who tried to control him.
The Quaker tradition reminds us that “there is that of God in everyone.” True spiritual leadership invites dialogue, not dictatorship.
One of the hallmarks of spiritual abuse in the church is the presence of unchecked power.
5. You Were Punished for Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for mental, emotional, and spiritual health. But in spiritually abusive church environments, setting boundaries is often labeled as “bitterness,” “selfishness,” or “lack of submission.”
I’ve worked with people who were guilted for stepping down from leadership roles, for missing church due to burnout, or for saying “no” to invasive pastoral demands.
Therapy teaches us that boundaries are not walls—they’re gates. They protect our dignity and make authentic relationship possible. Saying “no” is holy work.
If setting boundaries cost you relationships, community, or spiritual belonging, you may have experienced spiritual abuse in the church.
6. You Felt Conditioned to Stay Silent
Perhaps the most painful sign of spiritual abuse in the church is the culture of silence it creates. Those who speak out are labeled as divisive, bitter, or “falling away.” Survivors often feel isolated, unsure if what they experienced was even real.
This silence is especially heavy for women, people of color, LGBTQ+ individuals, and others who’ve been marginalized by church structures. Their pain is often erased in the name of “unity.”
Native American traditions speak of healing as communal work—truth-telling circles where stories are shared with reverence. We heal when we are heard.
7. You Walked Away Feeling Like God Abandoned You
Spiritual abuse in the church distorts your image of God. It can make you believe that God is punitive, manipulative, or only available through a specific leader or church.
But let me be clear: God did not abuse you. People did.
The soul—your deep, true self—is not lost just because you left a building. As Thomas Merton wrote, “We are already one, but we imagine that we are not.” Your connection to the Divine can never be severed by a pastor’s cruelty or a church’s betrayal.
If you left the church feeling like you also had to leave God behind, you may be carrying the residue of spiritual abuse in the church.
So What Do You Do Now?
Healing from spiritual abuse in the church is a journey. It takes time. But there is a path forward. Here are a few starting points.
1. Name What Happened Without Minimizing It
One of the first steps in trauma recovery is to speak the truth, without shrinking it.
What happened to you was wrong. It matters. And you’re not crazy or overly sensitive for being hurt.
Spiritual abuse in the church often leaves people doubting their own memories and instincts. But your experience is valid.
2. Find Safety—Spiritually and Emotionally
If you’re still in contact with the abusive church or leaders, give yourself permission to step away. Healing requires safety.
Find places where you can breathe—quiet walks, time in nature, journaling, or prayer spaces where no one is telling you how to think or feel.
The Islamic concept of sakinah—a divine tranquility—is not found through coercion, but through surrender and stillness. That same peace is available to you.
Creating distance from spiritual abuse in the church can be the first courageous act of reclaiming your soul.
3. Seek Out Soul-Aware Support
Not every therapist understands spiritual trauma. Look for someone who honors your inner life, who can hold both psychological and spiritual questions with care.
The best therapists are like spiritual midwives—helping you birth something new out of pain.
Specialized counseling for spiritual abuse in the church can offer language, support, and strategies that general therapy might miss.
4. Reimagine What Spirituality Can Look Like
You may never return to the version of Christianity you grew up with. That’s okay. As Parker Palmer says, “The spiritual life is not about escaping the world but engaging with it more deeply.”
You are allowed to reimagine.
You are allowed to find God in silence, poetry, activism, ritual, or rest.
You are allowed to create a spirituality that’s rooted in love, not fear.
One of the gifts that can come from spiritual abuse in the church is the invitation to rediscover God on your own terms.
5. Trust the Image of God in You
You are not just a sinner in need of saving. You are an image-bearer, a soul with worth and wisdom.
The Divine spark within you knows the way home.
Spiritual abuse in the church tries to erase the divine dignity within you. Healing restores it.
You Are Not Alone
If you’re reading this and feeling tears rise, or a lump in your throat, or an ache you can’t quite name—you’re not alone.
So many are walking this path. It’s quiet, but you’re not the only one.
I believe in your healing. I believe in a God who meets us in the rubble. And I believe that your story, your faith, and your soul are not broken. They’re unfolding.
If you are looking for a church that understands spiritual abuse, church hurt, and is fully affirming check out The Post-Evangelical Collective. The Post Evangelical Collective is a network of churches for those who once found themselves in Evangelical spaces that hurt them, but have since moved on into more inclusive spaces.
A Gentle Next Step
If this article resonates with you, consider taking one small step today:
- Journal about your experience.
- Light a candle and sit in silence.
- Reach out to a therapist or spiritual director who honors your questions.
- Or simply whisper this: “I am still here. I am still worthy of love.”
If you’re recovering from spiritual abuse in the church, know this: your healing is not only possible—it’s sacred.
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